


Humans Are Annoying, Their Mating Practices Even More So

by tehfanglyfish



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Background Leon/Gwen, Canon Era, Crack Treated Seriously, Deviates From Canon, Families of Choice, Getting Together, Good Morgana (Merlin), Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Kilgharrah Ships Merlin/Arthur (Merlin), M/M, Merlin Bingo, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Square A-3: Crack Treated Seriously, kilgharrah pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28818627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tehfanglyfish/pseuds/tehfanglyfish
Summary: After waiting for Merlin and Arthur to confess their obvious love for one another, Kilgharrah gets annoyed and takes matters into his own hands. Or rather paws. Or feet. Or whatever.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 48
Kudos: 236
Collections: Merlin Bingo





	Humans Are Annoying, Their Mating Practices Even More So

**Author's Note:**

> Merlin Bingo is the most amazing thing ever and I am super grateful to the mods for putting this together. It has to be a ton of work, but it's so much fun!
> 
> Typical disclaimers include things you may already know, like that these aren't my characters or my franchise, and things you might not, like that Kilgharrah will be more than annoyed if you repost this fic so just don't.

Humans were, as a general rule, annoying.

Kilgharrah had come to this conclusion centuries before Uther Pendragon’s reign of terror against the rest of his kind. (Or rather, the rest of his kind living in Camelot. Uther was far too small-minded to consider that there might be more dragons living elsewhere.) Uther’s actions had done nothing to change Kilgharrah’s stance. Uther was a brutal exception – most humans were simply irritating.

And it wasn’t as though Kilgharrah was alone in his assessment.

Unicorns and wyverns, questing beasts and griffins – pretty much all the magical creatures Kilgharrah encountered agreed. Humans acted impulsively, often disregarded the natural environment, and assumed they were wiser than all the other species that inhabited Camelot.

That might be true when a human was put against, say, a vole (though the unicorns sometimes had their doubts), but when compared to someone who’d lived through and seen as much as Kilgharrah, human arrogance was, well, annoying.

Which wasn’t to say that Kilgharrah disliked humans, at least not all of them. There were some he was rather fond of.

Take Merlin for starters.

(Kilgharrah wasn’t going to get bogged down in debates over semantics. Yes, the Druids said Merlin was Emrys, magic incarnate, and all that, but if the man wanted to be called a human, then Kilgharrah was going to call him one.)

Overall, Kilgharrah rather liked Merlin – even loved him in that complicated way that family relationships can be both precious and maddening. And it wasn’t simply because Merlin carried the title of Dragonlord. He was thoughtful and kind, quick to take action against injustice, desperate to do what was right and correct old wrongs.

It was true that he sometimes ignored Kilgharrah’s advice, usually when it was something unpleasant he didn’t want to hear. Kilgharrah chalked that up mainly to cultural differences between humans and dragons, humans having a less pragmatic approach to life.

Merlin could also be impulsive and headstrong, quick to act without fully thinking through his actions. And yet, even in those rare times when it all went wrong, one couldn’t say that Merlin was motivated by anything other than good, though sometimes misguided, intentions.

Besides, how could Kilgharrah not be fond of Merlin after his actions led to the rescinding of Camelot’s ban on magic? Not only did it enable Kilgharrah and other magical creatures to step out of the shadows (along with, he supposed he should note, a large population of human sorcerers), but it also undid what Uther Pendragon died believing would be his most lasting legacy. Kilgharrah hoped word had spread to the spirit realm – it would be a shame for Camelot’s old king to not be kept abreast of new developments in the land.

(One didn’t live to be over a thousand years old without becoming a tiny bit petty, at least, not if one was a dragon.)

In caring for Merlin, Kilgharrah had also come to care for the family that grew around him. Gaius was an old friend, of a sort, who’d used his position at court to smuggle out sorcerers who would have otherwise been murdered in the Great Purge. Morgana bonded with Kilgharrah through their shared hatred of Uther. Kilgharrah couldn’t help but be fond of her after she proved wrong the seers of the past, refusing to let her rage at her father turn her against her brother.

The knights had mixed reactions when Merlin introduced them. Some, like Sir Gwaine, took to Kilgharrah immediately, while others, like Sir Leon, were more hesitant.

“You tried to kill me,” Leon said the first time they’d met.

“You tried to kill me first,” Kilgharrah countered.

“I really didn’t. You attacked the kingdom, I was only trying to protect it.”

“But Uther…” Kilgharrah began.

“Is dead,” Gwen interrupted. “We shouldn’t forget what he did, but we need to build a better future together.”

There was something in the way she was looking at Leon that left Kilgharrah with the impression she might be talking about more than just the future of the realm. And he’d been right. It took a couple of months of hemming and hawing, Gwen working through some things relating to Morgana, Lancelot, and Arthur, but soon enough her and Leon’s developing relationship was all the talk of the kingdom.

Gwen was a wise woman – something Kilgharrah wished he could say about his other human friends. Especially Arthur. In his heart, Arthur meant well and he tried to do right, but sometimes Camelot’s king could be a bit thick.

From what Kilgharrah had heard, Arthur hadn’t even noticed Merlin’s magic until Merlin sat him down in a chair and wrote out “I am a sorcerer” in flashing, glittery letters that floated midair.

“Merlin, I think there’s a sorcerer nearby,” Arthur had reportedly said, forcing Merlin to revise his message, adding in a few more explanatory details that were interlaced with rough language not usually directed at a king.

Still, Kilgharrah had to commend Arthur. By all accounts, he took the news rather well, once he figured out what the news was. There was a bit of yelling, though it had more to do with all the fun they could have been having and all the time they could have been saving for said fun if Merlin had only told him sooner.

“You don’t feel betrayed?” Merlin supposedly asked.

“Only by my father,” was Arthur’s rumored reply. “Now let’s change some laws and then see what we can do about making Gwaine’s hair go flat. He was giving me hell about my footwork at training this morning.”

From there it had seemed like the next logical development in the relationship between Kilgharrah’s favorite young warlock and favorite young king would be a profession of the deep love they both held for one another. It was obvious to all who knew them, even those who’d just met them, building steadily over the years. And now that Merlin was spilling secrets, pretty much everyone expected an imminent love confession.

(There was also some deep lust that would likely be confessed as well. Something Kilgharrah had been largely ignorant of until a night of poking around in Merlin’s dreams left him thoroughly educated. He’d only been trying to get Merlin to wake up to talk to him but instead got an eyeful of… well, that was a private matter, one Kilgharrah was trying to forget.)

And so Kilgharrah waited. He was, he thought, a patient dragon by and large, but as the days, weeks, and months passed with no confessions, his patience began to wear thin.

The “butter and toast, peas in a pod, two sides of the same coin,” he randomly interjected into conversations he shared with Merlin and Arthur soon became replaced with “same shit, different day.”

Whatever. If they wanted to spend their days pining, making cow eyes at each other, but never acting on it, that was their own business. Let them suffer. It was none of Kilgharrah’s concern.

Or so he thought. Then Aithusa came along and that changed everything.

“She needs good role models,” Kilgharrah chided Merlin.

“So I should keep her away from you?”

Kilgharrah remembered the deep breathing exercises Morgana had told him about and silently counted to ten, then ten hundred, then ten thousand.

“Young warlock, Aithusa is at a critical stage in her development. She’s learning about family relationships. It’s not good for two of her parents to be so emotionally repressed.”

“Wait… how many parents does Aithusa have?”

“Four. Me, obviously, then you and Arthur, plus Morgana. Gaius is her grandfather. Gwen and Leon are her aunt and uncle, while the rest of the knights… actually it might be easier if I show you the chart I made. Which I will do,” Kilgharrah said, realizing that Merlin had gotten him off track, “after you and Arthur sort things.”

“If you and Morgana are also her parents, does that mean that you’re…”

“You may be a dragonlord, Merlin, but you are pushing your luck today. Now if we can get back to the point.”

“Which is?”

“Aithusa’s development. Do you really wish for your daughter to grow up believing that love is wrong? That it’s something to be hidden?”

“No. Of course not. But Arthur doesn’t… Anyway, right now we’re teaching her not to chew the furniture. Speaking of which, it’s my turn to watch her. Got to run.”

Things didn’t go much better with Arthur.

“I don’t dare make Merlin uncomfortable,” the king told Kilgharrah. “Besides, it could be a lot worse. She could have had Uther for a parent.”

No, Kilgharrah thought as he watched Arthur walk off, she couldn’t have. Because Kilgharrah would have destroyed the entire world before he let Uther Pendragon anywhere near precious little Aithusa.

But Uther was dead and Kilgharrah had far more pressing matters to attend to than indulging in violent fantasies of all the ways he might have dispatched Camelot’s previous king had he not been trapped in a damn cavern for twenty years.

It was clear that the easy way wasn’t going to work with Merlin and Arthur – and honestly, Kilgharrah wasn’t sure why he’d even tried in the first place. After all, he’d had years of experience with Merlin to learn that lesson.

Still, it didn’t mean he was going to give up. He simply needed to adjust his approach. Maybe fall back on a tried and true method.

“Merlin… Merlin…”

It had taken all of his courage to enter Merlin’s unconscious thoughts again, but desperate times required extreme action.

“Shut up, Kilgharrah. I’m trying to sleep.”

“Tell Arthur you love him, Merlin. And also about that thing with the tongues. I don’t entirely understand it, but your dream Arthur seemed to like it.”

“SHUT UP!”

All the next day, Kilgharrah waited, wondering if perhaps he’d won Merlin over. A quick check with Gwaine revealed that Merlin was largely in a bad mood from a lack of sleep, but otherwise nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Well, if Merlin thought Kilgharrah would back down after one failed attempt, he was sorely mistaken. And so Kilgharrah returned the next night, and the next, and the one after that, interrupting Merlin’s dreams with pointed comments about the way Arthur had been staring at him, reminding him of how only good things had followed Merlin’s magic revelation, and pointing out how much dream Arthur seemed to enjoy it when dream Merlin had him on the bed and was…

Was that really how human mating practices worked? Whatever. The point was, there were no complaints from dream Arthur.

“He’s not real, Kilgharrah,” an annoyed Merlin told him through the telepathic link they shared.

“Do you want me to check Arthur’s dreams then?”

“You can do that? I mean, no! Stay out of everyone’s dreams and mind your own damn business.”

Frustrated, but still determined, Kilgharrah considered the situation. Maybe Merlin had a point. Maybe he should stay out of Merlin’s dreams. That approach wasn’t working and the lack of sleep seemed to be causing a general increase in irritability, as Merlin had hexed a petitioner in to a rooster when the man complained about his neighbor keeping chickens.

“You live in a damn village,” Merlin had snapped. “There are going to be chickens. Deal with it or move to a cave.”

“I had to magic the man back,” Morgana explained to Kilgharrah. “Although he was much nicer after the fact. Maybe Merlin is on to something.”

While Merlin’s outburst might have ended the dispute between the neighbors, more incidents like that wouldn’t be good for the stability of the realm. Better to let him have his nighttime rest. (Besides, Kilgharrah wasn’t sure he could handle many more glimpses at what Merlin’s unconscious mind conjured regarding Arthur.)

Merlin might get his nights back, but his days were another.

“I am in a council meeting!” Merlin telepathically yelled at Kilgharrah one afternoon.

“Yes, and isn’t it the perfect time to take note of how plump and red Arthur’s lips are? Wouldn’t they feel nice against your own? And you could do that thing with the teeth…”

Then Kilgharrah shut up because Merlin fell out of his seat.

Over the next couple of weeks, Kilgharrah continued to bother Merlin during the daytime. Whether or not it would be effective, he couldn’t say, but Kilgharrah couldn’t recall ever having had so much fun, harassing Merlin by drawing attention to aspects of Arthur’s body, connecting them to what he’d seen in Merlin’s dreams.

“Slay me if you must, young warlock, but you cannot hide from your destiny,” he’d taunted when Merlin threatened to kill him. “A half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole, and Arthur will make you whole when he bends you over the…”

Then Merlin let loose with a string of obscenities that caused the knights he’d been watching to stop training.

“That’s the most vulgar thing I’ve ever heard,” Gwaine said. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Everything alright?” Arthur asked.

“Fine… just… um… I forgot something.”

A lesser dragon would have taken the moment to gloat, but Kilgharrah was results-driven. Now was not the time to delight in Merlin’s suffering – now was the time to consider strategy. His technique was promising, but it needed a tiny bit of adjustment. Merlin’s dreams might have been lust-filled, but at his core, his heart was full of love.

And so Kilgharrah adjusted his assault, focusing less on Arthur’s lips, bum, and thighs, instead highlighting his soft smiles at Merlin, compassion toward his people, and gentleness with Aithusa.

“Have you ever met a sweeter man?” Kilgharrah crooned in Merlin’s head one afternoon. “Look at how he helped that little girl find her lost kitten.”

There were no angry retorts, just a steady psychic warmth emanating from Merlin.

So that was the right way to go. Each day, Kilgharrah pressed on, drawing attention to the endearing things that Arthur did. And it wasn’t as though he had to try hard to find them. Whereas Uther had grown more bitter as he’d aged, Arthur grew kinder, his cobbled-together family keeping his heart safe from resentments and animosity.

The only time Merlin balked was when Kilgharrah suggested that Arthur reciprocated Merlin’s feelings.

“It’s not like that, Kilgharrah. He…”

“Loves you, Merlin. With his whole heart. He just doesn’t know how to tell you. You need to help him. Look at those eyes he’s making at you. He’s suffering, Merlin. He wants you, but he grew up with Uther as a parent and he can’t find the words. Do you want that to be Aithusa’s future?”

“Well, no, but he doesn’t…”

“He does. And he’s counting on you. You swore to have his back - why won’t you help him, Merlin?”

They’d been arguing back and forth like this for days, Merlin growing increasingly annoyed as Kilgharrah again adjusted his approach, framing Merlin’s unwillingness to take action as a betrayal.

“Will you stop it?! This isn’t funny anymore.”

And there it was – the opening Kilgharrah needed. He’d been waiting. And he was ready.

“You’re right, Merlin. It’s not funny. All this time I thought you cared for him, but now I’m not sure. Don’t you love Arthur?”

“Yes, I love Arthur! I’ve loved Arthur for years. He’s gorgeous and sweet and also a major prat, but that’s kind of hot, too. I’d marry him in a heartbeat. I’d let him rail me right here on the round table. But it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t love me back. So can you please shut the hell up and leave me alone?”

Listening through Merlin’s ears, Kilgharrah could hear some awkward coughs and the shuffling of parchments.

“Young warlock,” he said in Merlin’s mind, “I think you said that last bit out loud.”

“I… um…”

“Let’s take a break,” Kilgharrah heard Gwaine call. “I think Merlin and Arthur have some things to discuss. Oh, and don’t leave your stuff on the table, especially if it’s not washable.”

“Arthur, I…” Merlin began.

“You love me?” Arthur’s eyes were shining.

Merlin nodded.

“And you want me to… here on the round table?”

Merlin nodded again.

“You’re on your own from here, young warlock,” Kilgharrah said. “Morgana and I will watch Aithusa tonight. Love is to be celebrated, but there are somethings she’s too young to know about. As am I. Your dreams have been educational enough for me – no need to see the real deal.”

And with that, Kilgharrah broke the telepathic connection. His work was done and he needed a break. And maybe to get Morgana to erase a few choice memories. There really was such a thing as too much information.


End file.
